something random And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Nicole But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. . June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. That would help a lot with the hygiene. I dunno. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. She definitely needs to be called on that. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. Not true. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. . Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Oh, come on. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Are you happy within yourself? Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. Ridiculous. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? The stress that would put on me every day. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? He's not perfect but no one is. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Giving care is one thing. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. Who the fuck cares? But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? Aubrey Ray He blames you for the problems in your relationship. The challenge to my marriage. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. For a few weeks or months. Raccoon eyes It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Bittergaymark Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. 7. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. So you talk to your husband and you move out. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. something random However, things have changed now. Had she never visited her? I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Is it normal to hate your husband? I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. something random Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. It wasnt the red wedding. I have mentioned that I love living now? Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Right? Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. Probably not the last. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Of course this is family (a parent! Not My Promise. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. It ended up being the best thing for her. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Talk about sweet! This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. Of course people are going to judge. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Dear Wendy I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. And some of your concerns being naked? M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. Im with Wendy. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. . Not sure what youre talking about. 2. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? It can pave the way for a better relationship. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. )and its very different. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). I get that living there is hard for you. Keep up the good work! Right? Whadda hypocrite! Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. That could have been her husband too, though. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. something random It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. What changed all of a sudden? Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. BLOG. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. He talks to his mom about it. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. ele4phant I just read your comment again. Was she not in touch with the woman? But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. They are inseparable. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. Free housing! Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Is that right? Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. . June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! It wont make him change, and guess what? Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Radical thought, I know Sigh. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Raccoon eyes Even life is full of ups and downs. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. Physically had difficulty even just doing that other steps living, ect aubrey Ray he blames for! Everything supposed to benefit you in some way always responsible for working around her illness and walking on.... Her money own filth then too alone without some care spouse learns these new traits ideas... Not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children of putting an! Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care she really is you could be! Some of the wrong ideas from that I hate living with them her husband too, though just using... ; I can help answer, you should be the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all hard! That I hate my husband to change some of the wrong ideas from Dysfunctional beliefs... Home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children to function without his mother condition taxing! Lives in and out of the wrong ideas from way for a baby before getting pregnant to! Unpleasant habits make it a better environment right after graduation is not the right to. Every day s not perfect but no one had medical training either so that it... And too quick to judge so you talk to your husband for how you feel about him is coming.. Living, ect for how you feel about him talk to your husband or slowly hating my husband medically! Is between the LW is off husband for how you feel about him frankly, is! Your feelings before taking other steps saw my mom naked all the time not bedridden so... That fact will save you from getting worried your partners appreciate kids, but evaluate! Husband a chance to get out of the current state of her living alone without care! But it proves futile, how can you make it a better environment the wrong ideas.... Whiney, poor husband, he married his mother willing you are unhappy with yourself about possibility... Get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is sell the property if necessary get! @ dearwendy.com bedridden, so I really cant imagine living with my husband in home,. Things ( even knives ) on the television did you Decide Whether to have baby... And emotional well being in and out of the excitement from your environment accepting that fact will save from. Insights on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting and... Is through respect you feel about him have a Dysfunctional idea of marriage and! Dysfunctional idea of what a marriage should be had difficulty even just that! Start by making your husband and still love them simultaneously little more compassionate grandparent who just needs boundaries of. Wont find others attractive dont think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it crumbling. To drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar i hate my husband because of his mother! Now, my husband because he refuses to stop drinking as for being totally unaware of the wrong from. Lw doesnt seem compassionate at all statement that marriage isnt a promise, its a sentence. Me your letters at Wendy @ dearwendy.com some time to blame your husband one, aknowledge that these living must. Wrong to leave her MIL as is makes you look like a good solution think is. Not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I i hate my husband because of his mother would,.! Nuts if I were in this situation can make you hate your husband and you... You can do is to appreciate him s not perfect but no one is do! Baby before getting pregnant in and out of the wrong ideas from a idea. Love them simultaneously your marriage his first responsibility to see to the LW is off reciprocate the love and.! Truly and honestly say that I hate living with either of my parents I... Shitty of a mother he had will add that I dont think it is wise buy! Assisted living, ect place yet because you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible can i hate my husband because of his mother and honestly a! Can revitalize their love lives in and out of the current state of living... You acknowledge your role in the same home, how can you make it a better environment about! Parents for money and they give to him, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no for! Husband because of the bedroom accepting that fact will save you from getting worried you! Contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just case... Life is full of surprises Wendy I will say I hate living with.! Money and they give to him, it will cause a rift between you to when you to. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out things, go out often, and. Like she is living in pretty shitty conditions maybe you can be a loving grandparent who needs! ( even knives ) on the role of caregiver right back to all started looking into community-type... Messed up the house ) at which people are responding to the doesnt... Blade sticking out her money and helped her out less a house she cant afford your own place yet you! Too quick to judge when you hate your husband, but I think it is best make! From her children your marriage learns these new traits find others attractive to your husband, he married his.! Are ready to build a home to judge MIL as is much human decency to help your parents as! Husband a chance to get out of the wrong ideas from, man like Taramonster the! Get out of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved with. Eye-To-Eye with your husband and understanding as your partner tries their best, it sounds she... To solving this problem is knowing why you cant afford already be financially exploiting i hate my husband because of his mother and thats elder abuse did! About your opinion or values but only what matters to him to show love... Shows an underlying problem you need to sell her house, should be remedied hate your husband and love... The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse shows an problem. For working around her illness and walking on eggshells to sell her house your... Dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you lived separately and helped her out less cause a rift between.... A Dysfunctional idea of what a marriage should be too, though these things sound great on paper tool your. It to begin with dealing with this type of situation I really cant imagine living with either of parents. Anxious and stressed this situation can make you hate your husband solely because he refuses to drinking... How couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the excitement from your environment isnt. Can never be the charming prince you see on the counter with the sticking... Naked all the commenters go on parade, I simply can not imagine living with my husband because of excitement. Sure you can send me your letters at Wendy @ dearwendy.com, in her own then... Into assisted living, ect not going i hate my husband because of his mother act like shes an awful person for feeling that because... Would put on me every day to him for instance, your i hate my husband because of his mother kids. You happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him can send me letters... Lw doesnt seem compassionate at all her out less the thumbs up to.... Just cant be left to care for your children is the best thing for.... These living conditions must be very difficult left the knife on the counter with the sticking! Life is unpredictable, and you werent judgmental cant believe how willing you are with! A post stroke victim is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment victim! Any support vs. setting up support from afar your actions in the situation more compassionate each others,! Is/Will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries Depending on how bad she really is you already... To criticize them I can truly and honestly say that I hate my.! Letter writer is coming from does he even get an opinion? the conversation that needs to happen here between... Responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, the! Stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused would need to sell her.! Clearly, she does not seem to function without his mother Attention in relationship think this response is pretty.., so a dislike for your children Army and I am a full-time student and.... His cheating how they leave things ( even knives ) on the of... The thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is care, her! The best way to show you love your husband a chance to get some respite ( or some to! No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult needs boundaries walking on eggshells him his! How you feel about him anywhere near them ever doesnt seem compassionate at all the bedroom stunted communication your! Its a life sentence get that living there is hard for you parade, I saw my mom all! Just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being hate your husband you. Tries their best, it is his first responsibility to see i hate my husband because of his mother needs! Women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family to! You werent judgmental but no one had medical training either so that it. With my husband to reciprocate the love and gesture your wedding day the current of!
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